The weekend was a rough one. Fluffy cat's health went down hill as the weekend progressed. By the time Monday rolled around, she was getting somewhat close to how she was on Friday before she had her lungs drained of the fluid build up. On the plus side, I got a surprise day off from babysitting, so I was able to spend her last day with her. She wasn't alone at all for her last day, and I know that meant a lot to her (she hates being alone). I stayed pretty close to her, letting her do whatever she wanted--we went outside probably 10 or more different times. I told her if she wants to go out, we'll go out even if it's only for a few minutes (because several times were only 5-10 minutes). Her morning outdoor adventure (after she decided we could both get out of bed) lasted about 35 minutes. She had a blast. She was feeling extra bold, too. Not only did she walk up the steps of our neighbor's front porch but she decided to walk down their driveway. She's never done that before. Usually she's too skittish and opts to only skirt around the perimeter of their yards/homes. She's grown so much from the traumatized little kitten we adopted 13 years ago. I'm glad that I could help you heal and grow, fluffy cat; I know you appreciated and adored our outdoor adventures. I'm glad I could help you make the most of your final day, even though you weren't able to eat even though you wanted to. I know you wanted more whip cream than the little you actually ate and more treats than the six you managed to get down. I'm just glad that your suffering wasn't prolonged any more. As much as our hearts ache from you going to your slumber at the vet, we couldn't bear for you to get to the point where you couldn't get comfortable or sleep like last Friday. In honor of your memory, I wrote a piece for you:
My precious cuddle buddy of 13 years—we’ve been through so much, and, oh, how you’ve grown. In so many ways you’re the same as the skittish, little kitten we adopted from the Humane Society. Who knows what trauma you experienced with your brother as a baby alone on the streets. You cried out to us, not wanting to be all alone after your brother’s adoption. You’ve never liked being alone. Sure, you don’t want to have lots of attention all the time, but you want to be near us. You hated being alone. You would drag clothes around the house whenever you were. You’d cry out, searching for us, as we found out on the occasions you believed you were alone but you really weren’t. You want things to be on your terms; you don’t want to be pestered, but you don’t want to be ignored. As much as you enjoy doing your own thing, you love us and want to be involved, even if it’s from a bit of a distance away.
You’ve changed in some ways but remain the same in others. Your favorite treats are the same ones you loved as a kitten: salmon flavored. You used to sleep all the time in the doll bed and toy net above my bed. You still love that cat bed you received as a kitten. You seem to be able to get comfortable anywhere, and you’re always so adorable when you cuddle up to sleep. You are always so curious, getting into everything, especially if it involves plastic bags. If there are plastic bags involved, you go to town, chewing the bag like crazy and leaving a sea of puncture holes in your wake. We’ve lost a lot of bread that way, you goof. If it piques your interest, you must investigate—you’ve gotten into so many of my art projects and schoolwork. You’ve crashed so many of my videos, too, making yourself a surprise guest star. Even though you end up messing up what I’m working on sometimes, I love you with all my heart and know you just want to hang out with me and be involved with whatever I’m doing. You hate wearing clothes and all the outfits my sister subjected you to, but you accepted the vampire cape I got for you for 50 cents. It’s the one thing you never minded wearing.
You’ve claimed so many spots as yours, stealing chairs from everyone when they would get up as well as my bed and squishy pillow. I can’t even count the number of times you’ve snatched that pillow—it’s your favorite, causing me to get you one of your own. You’ve used me as a bed so many times, whether while I’m in my own bed or during the day, wherever I happen to be. You’ve cuddled while I completed schoolwork and snuggled for movies, anime, and books. Even if you don’t feel like cuddling with me, you want to remain close, finding a spot on the desk, table, or chair nearby or using my laptop as a pillow. We’ve spent so many late nights that way. You’re the best companion, especially on those nights.
You loved climbing the Christmas tree during your first Christmas. You never chose to climb a tree again, but you love hiding beneath the tree, underneath wrapping paper, or inside of the gift boxes. You always found a way to involve yourself in the festivities. You always want to be apart of what we’re doing in your own way. I know you chewed through my brand new headphones as a kitten, but it’s okay. You didn’t mean to ruin them—you just wanted to play. Granted, I was rather frustrated and upset when it happened, but I still love you.
You love to explore my car and had lots of fun hanging out in my previous car, too. You dislike car rides, probably because you associate them with the vet—a place you can’t stand—but we’ve gone for a few car rides together to visit people, which you didn’t seem to mind. I still remember the day I told mom that you were coming to visit her at work—she didn’t believe us, but you surprised her at work anyway. You’re the best surprise.
You love the porch—it’s your favorite hangout since it allows you to be outside while simultaneously offering sanctuary from all the scary cars and strangers. Whenever you get scared on our outdoor adventures, that’s always the place you made a break for. You feel safe there and love it so. You love your outdoor adventures, and you’ve done so well. Others were convinced you’d run away, so we had to warm them up to the idea, didn’t we? We started off by using a leash. You’d run to me each time I grabbed it because you knew it meant you could go outside. Eventually, they became comfortable with you being outside, and you got to freely roam. They were still worried about you running away, though, but they shouldn’t have worried—you proved that to them. The one day you got out because someone left the porch door open, you were merely hanging out on the patio in the backyard under the bench, looking at us as if to say, “It’s about time—what took you so long?? Let’s go exploring!” You never want to leave the safety of your home—you’re such a good kitty.
You love listening to the birds, watching them gather in our neighbor’s backyard; you often sit at the fence, watching your live nature TV. You love the fresh air and breeze. You love watching all of the animals outside. Whenever you see a bird, squirrel, chipmunk, or rabbit while on the porch, you always start making your special meow just for notifying us that you see an animal. You tell us all about it, too. If you’re outside, you tend to be a bit quieter and prefer to try and chase them. You’ve never caught one yet, though. You’ve left no corner of our yard unsearched, exploring to your heart’s content. You’ve played with bugs and worms you find outside, curiosity getting the better of you (even when said bug is a bee). If we ever needed you to come to us, you'd always come happily running whenever we used your special whistle. It never failed. We'd call you with that whistle, and you'd come right to us each and every time. You’re such a wonderful kitty.
You wait for me to come back home, whether it be school, work, volunteering, babysitting, you name it. You keep watch from the window so you’ll know exactly when I’ve returned. Then you run to meet me as soon as I unlock the front door. You’re such a wonderful kitty.
You love snuggling by the fire—it made winters more bearable. You became so disappointed in the cold since it would deter you from outside adventures a lot of the time. You have a stubborn streak, though, and the cold wouldn’t always deter you. There were times you’d brave the cold, anyway, but you’d want to return to the warmth of inside soon enough. You’ve played in the snow some, but usually you get upset with how it feels on your paws. You hated it when the snow started to melt—you hate it when it’s wet outside. As much as you love exploring outside, the rain and melting snow deter you by making everything wet.
You love the sun, basking in its warmth and sunshine. You sun yourself in the hallway. You sun yourself on the porch. You sun yourself outside. It never really matters too much to you where it is. The sunshine is your friend (unless it’s amidst the sweltering heat of summer—then you opt to stay inside where it’s cooler; you love the sun but hate extreme heat and extreme cold).
You love going around the house, hunting for treats. You love this game we started. You always knew when it’s supposed to be “treat time.” It’s one of your favorite times of the day. We had to think of all sorts of hiding places so you wouldn’t get too bored.
You hate closed doors. You sit and stare at the door (and then look at us) until we listen to your mental powers and open it for you. You can’t stand to be locked out, either, and will push open bathroom doors so you won’t be excluded. If you can’t get in the first time, you’ll keep trying, and we’ll hear your paws continue to slide down the door in your attempts. You don’t want to be alone.
You dislike baths, but you never fight us when we give you one. You merely wander around the bathtub slowly and dejectedly, giving us your saddest, pathetic eyes and meows. You hope that pity will end the experience, but it hasn’t worked for you yet. Good news is that we don’t give baths too you too often—only when necessary. You love drying off on the porch afterwards.
You’re so silly with how you enjoy playing hide and seek in the bathtub (even though you despise the baths you receive in the same bathtubs). I can’t even count how many time you’ve ran around the house only to proceed to hide in the bathtub behind the shower curtain and to then dash out again. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but your tail gives you away every time. It’s so active, and we can hear when you thumb it against the walls of the tub, silly kitty.
You fill up all of our memory cards—the bulk of our saved pictures and videos always stars you. We never have to look long to find you. You’re such a large component of our lives even though you’re a fairly quiet and chill cat.
I’ve loved the long morning snuggles we’ve shared in bed over the past year. You’ve trapped me in bed so many mornings because you’ve looked so cozy and happy. I couldn’t disrupt your sleep. I end up feeling guilty just by looking at your peaceful, happy face. It’s never a bad experience spending the morning with you in bed, so there’s no complaints for me. Those are some of my favorite times. Thank you for forcing me to relax, fluffy cat.
You’re such a box cat, too. You’ve gotten miffed at the disappearance of your boxes, but you always find new ones to love. If you disappear, there’s a good chance you’re in a box (or a basket or a blanket tent). You love finding new spots for naps, like baskets or shelves. You’ve commandeered a number of Emily’s baskets and shelves. You’ve secured the bottom shelf of my crystal shelves in my room, too. You even convinced us to construct blanket tents around the house for you to snooze in. If you have your way, the house would be full of boxes, baskets, and blanket tents for you to sleep in at your leisure. You love taking cat naps on all of our beds. You adore your Pokeball rug; we find you rolling around on it so often. It’s one of your favorite hangout spots, and you look so cute when you lay on it. You love your most recent present—that pet chair is one of your favorite napping spots because it’s all yours and because it lets you be close to us in the room.
The couch has become your favorite evening spot to nap on after dinner. You walk up to the dinner table to survey what we’re having, have your fill, and take your leave. You nap the evening away, and then choose to sleep on the chair next to me at night. You want to remain close but simultaneously have your space.
You enjoy playing in baskets. You’ve loved playing fetch with tennis balls and lucky rabbits’ feet—I still remember the day I found the lucky rabbits foot souvenir destroyed by you as well as the time we found the one you knocked under the table with its fur falling off of it. You always knock your toys underneath things and are unable to get them out. You play with some of the strangest things, too. One of your favorite toys is the friendship bracelet a preschooler made for me. You love batting it around, almost playing air hockey with us, before repeatedly knocking it on the floor and expecting us to pick it up for you so we can resume the game. You absolutely adore playing with bubbles, chasing them around to pop them.
You a really strange cat sometimes, though. You love rubbing against the grill. Every time the grill is out, you go right to it, rubbing your face all over it. Each time you end up with a filthy face, covered in charcoal ash. You never seem to realize it, though, and you look rather silly.
We’ve shared so many experiences. You even joined us for the solar eclipse viewing. While I know you didn’t particularly feel like watching the solar phenomenon, you looked quite stylish in your special eclipse shades. I’m so grateful you’ve been able to get comfortable this past weekend. I can only imagine the struggle and pain all the fluids in your lungs caused you before it was drained on Friday. You’re such a trooper. You’ve lived with arthritis for a year. We started to combat your hyperactive thyroid two weeks ago. Your body is failing despite all our efforts, though. The fluids are returning—we can see your labored breathing. The vet believes you have cancer, and we have limited options—any the vet provided us is prolonging the inevitable, leading to an existence rather than truly living. You don’t deserve that. You’ve given us so much joy, love, and laughter. You’ve given us so much comfort, cuddles, and snuggles. We can’t bear to repay you with suffering. You’re precious, and as much as we long for you to stay, as unready as we are to let you go, we cannot condemn you to suffering. It’s with heavy hearts we say goodbye and thank you. I can’t imagine my life without you, but I’m sincerely grateful for our time together. We love you so much, and you’ll be sincerely missed. I don’t know how long it will take for our tears to dry and our hearts to mend, but our love for you will never run dry. It hurts right now, but thank you so much for everything. Thank you for choosing me. I needed you, and you were always there for me, loving me unconditionally. You’re the best. You are sincerely loved. Rest in Peace, fluffy angel. You’ve earned it, so sleep easy now.
My sister and I have also made videos in tribute to your memory:
Last moments with fluffy cat:
The squirrels we saw on our morning adventure on Monday were extra bold, too. They kept coming right up to us and staring at us. It happened at least 8 times. That has never happened before. There have been a handful of times where they've gotten kind of close, but whenever they noticed us, they would bolt. The squirrels' boldness and fluffy cat's boldness felt like a message to act without fear, to embrace being bold. I'll do my best to live by their example.
I didn't sleep very well Sunday night, so I'm not surprised that I don't remember much from my dream (or that I didn't sleep well because we had decided to say goodbye to fluffy cat Monday afternoon/evening after everyone was off work). The little I do remember involved trying to get to one of the boys I babysit because I knew I had to watch him/pick him up (possibly for school--I don't particularly remember the specifics). For some reason I was at the middle school I attended back in the day. I was in a class that was about to start, but I realized I had to leave so he wouldn't be late (I'm guessing he was going to school at 8, but it could have been swim practice or camp). I made it out of the full classroom without issue but struggled finding my jacket and keys. There were so many people in the hallways going to class. I'm pretty sure I willed my things to me because I couldn't find them but they materialized. I left out the back door and almost made it to my car. I got stopped by a staff member (who was a coworker from the preschool). She was about to send me back inside when she recognized me, saying, "You don't belong here, do you?" I told her I graduated in 2011. She said she thought so, that she remembered me from before, and wished me well on my way. I got in the car and started driving, but that's all I remember.
Upon waking up on Tuesday morning, I thought a lot happened in my dream, but I only recalled two specific parts. The first part I recall involved my family. My brother Drew was back home. Our mom gave a cardboard box to each of us, Emily, Drew, and me. I opened it and got confused. It was full to the brim. There was some kind of cleaning products inside, but I didn't recognize any of it. Each of the boxes had cleaning products inside. Apparently our mom expected us to start scrubbing the house top to bottom, and she expected us to do it all by ourselves. I didn't feel like it. Emily had been scrubbing like a window that was underneath a table or something, and she pulled me aside. She whispered, "Shhhh, don't yell mom!" and handed me a tiny black/gray kitten. It looked a bit like Chloe's kittens from years ago (Chloe is one of April's cats). It proceeded to climb all over me. Our mom came downstairs, and we rushed to hide the kitten. We knew our mom didn't want a kitten (Emily's been looking at kittens up for adoption the past few days, but my mom told her she wasn't ready for a new kitten). I think my mom might have discovered the kitten, but the details after she came downstairs are fuzzy.
The other part I remember involved the preschool. It wasn't the same as the last time I was there. They had changed my job. I don't remember where I was assigned first thing in the morning, but afterwards I was supposed to help out the Chipmunk class. I was in the hallway when the Chipmunk teacher called out to me, telling me it was time to help them out. I went to the room they had been assigned in real life but couldn't find them as another class was there. It confused the heck out of me, and I started searching the other classrooms. No luck, though. None of them were the Chipmunks. The Chipmunk teacher pulled me aside when I was back in the hall, asking what was taking so long. I asked her, "Isn't that your classroom? I went in and couldn't find you. I've been searching for your class." She sighed, informing me that they had been moved. Their classroom was now the hallway. The class size had at least doubled, and there were kids everywhere. They were all so active--they were brimming with energy. I think it was free play time. The other teacher for the class (each class has two--I was extra support, maybe because their class was unusually large) was nowhere to be found. The Chipmunk teacher told me to assign class jobs, and handed me a laminated job sheet and some laminated names. There were supposed to be six or so kids assigned to the role of clean up leaders, but only two of the kids in the class had their names prepared (apparently the teachers hadn't finished cutting them out). I did my best, but it was difficult assigning the jobs (I was expected to announce the jobs to the class as they got ready to clean up) because the papers I was handed that was supposed to be all of their names, cut and prepared, had a bunch of other random things included with them. I was very confused because I didn't even know all of their names. The Chipmunk teacher might have taken over when she saw me struggling or it might have just been overlooked/passed up. The details are a bit hazy. I started checking to make sure the kids were cleaning up, assisting some of them. As I rotated through their hallway of a classroom, I noticed one kid had broken a bunch of scissors in half and had somehow managed to cut off pieces of the blades, too. It was super perplexing, but I knew I had to clean them up so none of the kids would get hurt. Clean up was over and I think they were getting ready to leave the classroom. One of the boys stopped me, excitedly informing me that his birthday was in a month. I asked if his birthday was on the 19th (I guess that was exactly a month away in the dream). The boy corrected me and said it was on the 22nd. I think more happened, but that's basically all I remember. I know all the kids were happy to see me; they all had huge smiles on their faces when they saw me.
When I woke up Thursday morning, I struggled to remember my dream--the details of my dream were kind of hazy. I know at one point Tohru was wandering around a city or suburban area (I think she was homeless?). Kyo came and found her. I'm pretty sure he was kind of scolding her for wandering around when it was so cold outside.
The dream transitioned, but I think it took place in the same area/city. I think someone invited me to their school/college. There was some sort of escalator to like a basement level. They wanted me to pick up the pizza they ordered so we could eat it. I went to pick it up, but the restaurant/eatery wanted me to do some kind of challenge as for of payment. I was confused (and I don't remember what said challenge was, although I do remember other people were involved). I think I might have left (maybe I completed the challenge or maybe I decided it wasn't worth it--not really sure). I think I headed to the person's place. It was likely a dorm room or apartment. When I got there, one of the boys I babysit and his friend were outside with Pearl. She was running around or playing I think, and it started raining. Pearl got soaked and wasn't happy about it. More might have happened, but that's all I remembered upon waking up.
The details of my dream when I woke up Friday morning were pretty muddled. It's like a cloak of hazy fog clung to it. I did remember that I was babysitting one of the boys at one point. At one point in that part of the dream he was annoying his dad. I might have been driving at another point.
The part of my dream I remember the most was about Avatar the Last Airbender. Aang was born a firebender while Zuko was born an Airbender. Aang was still the avatar, though. I'm pretty sure that was the only switch/deviation in bending styles from the show because I remember that Katara was still a waterbender. Aang and Zuko were friends in the dream (they weren't ever enemies). They were at some lord or commander's home/mansion. Whoever it was wasn't all that friendly, and they knew they had to escape. There was some kind of like storage room they recognized as being their best chance of escape. Aang I think was trying to create a path/hole to escape from, but how he chose to attempt that was by writing words on the walls in cursive with fire (I don't remember what specific words he used). I think guards or the owner/enemy were coming. They noticed a small closet behind some kind of curtain or hanging scroll and hid inside together. More happened afterwards, but I'm unable to recall anything else. I knew other things and parts/transitions occurred, maybe involving me in a park/forest, but the rest of the dream was too unclear/hazy.
When I woke up Saturday morning, I didn't remember much from my dream, but I know it involved taking the boys to camp. It wasn't their normal camp. It was like in Starbucks, but for whatever reason they didn't have it (I'm guessing it was sort of like when one of the boys' swim practice was pushed back when he had a swim meet the night before). We stopped by just to check it out, and as we were leaving via the back parking lot, we noticed a bunch of huge balloons that were for the camp. I remember one was a massive tree frog and there was a massive Winnie the Pooh (there were quite a few others, but I don't remember what they were). They had another camp to go to. We went to my house. I let fluffy cat out the back porch, and other kids that were at the camp were freaking out because they thought she got out on her own (apparently my backyard was connected to the park where their camp was taking place). I reassured them that I had let her out, that kitty was fine to be outside, and the kids calmed down. I know more happened in my dream, but that's all I remember.
Waking up this morning, I didn't remember much from my dream, but what I recall from my dream was that I was babysitting the boys. I don't remember all the specifics, but at one point we were outside. While outside, I noticed that the family I used to babysit for all the time (every week, sometimes every night after school) were their neighbors. They were excited to see me and wanted to know if I could babysit again. I think later I was playing games with the boys. I think I ended up falling asleep. Their parents ended up coming back the next morning. They had planned on being back the previous night, but something had caught them up. I hadn't even noticed since I had fallen asleep. Their dad said that we would discuss payment since it hadn't been planned. I think an amusement park was also involved in the dream, but that's all I remember.
I spent the week babysitting this week. It was only one of the boys, as the other was at sleep away camp. We picked up one of his friends to carpool for band camp in the afternoons, and his friend was really sweet. His friend told us all about how he baked homemade pretzels and bread this week. When we picked him up to go to camp, he was quite the little gentleman with his chipper greeting, "Good afternoon, Jessica!" It wasn't just what he said but how he said it. He freaking melted my heart. He's such a sweet kid. I'm super grateful I got the opportunity to meet him this week. Also, while the younger of the two brothers was at swim practice (and the other was at camp), I spent the morning walking around the park. It was gorgeous, and spending time in nature definitely helped soothe my aching soul. It helped the healing process, but I know that I still have work to do.
